The Paradigm Shift

Ever since I was a little girl, I used to be afraid of lightning (read: terrified). To this day, when there are thunderstorms, and I see a flash of lightning illuminate the sky outside my window, I can't help but gasp and squeeze my eyes shut, or involuntarily retreat into my blanket...

When I was younger, the Pops tried to rid me of my irrational fear in a few different ways. He first attempted to use the generic, "Don't worry, God is just taking pictures with a new camera - you have to smile when you see the flash!" When that didn't work, he tried to convince me that he was a magician, and could predict exactly when thunder could sound (which scientifically comes right after lightning). And when even that didn't impress me, he simply said I was crazy.

But nothing ever calmed me down. And after almost 2 decades, nothing still does.

I've spent many nights wondering where this fear even came from. My diagnosis: in the grand scheme of things, the lightning made me feel so small. To me, it seemed like tangible evidence of how helpless, oblivious and dispensable the human race was. The sheer power, size and number of things that we, as humans, had not yet figured out was enormous.

Mysteries of science, of nature, of the supernatural, of the past, of technology, of biology, of the elements of the earth, of space... the list was not exhaustive and surprisingly lengthy! I know it sounds like a bit of a stretch, my mind really did wander that far and wide.

I used to call this The Lightning Theory.

While growing up, I went through some really difficult times. I faced situations that no one should ever have to face, and battled demons not at all knowing how to overcome them. The lack of knowledge, the lack of support and the loneliness did nothing but constantly reinforce my belief in this theory.

There was nobody I could speak to, nobody I could share my story with, nobody who might understand. The world was harsh and full of judgement, and for a young person with struggles beyond their understanding, hope was extremely scarce.

And even today, a small part of me still holds on to this perspective; out of respect, out of trepidation. Without knowing how to overcome these fears, I struggled for so many years to simply accept my insignificance in this world.

Upsetting thoughts forcefully reminded me that nothing truly mattered; they held me below the surface more than a few times. There were some nights, where I didn't think I'd make it to the next day. Not that I ever wanted to bring physical harm to myself, I was afraid I'd just break.

Whatever happened to me when I was young, is something I still carry with me, although definitely not willingly. It's an unpleasant burden that has it's own whimsical weight and occurrence - it is an extremely difficult phenomenon to deal with.

But still, here I am.

Something got me through. Every time, there was a beacon of hope within me, that could not be touched. Many times, I didn't even know it existed, or realized that it was that little ball of power buried deep inside me, that saved me... time and again.

But I think I'm slowly acknowledging it's presence. Actually, I'm going beyond it's mere existence, and truly beginning to see it's power.

Whatever mystery is locked inside that untapped sphere reminds me, that I am the grand scale of things. Regardless of the innumerable unsolved mysteries of the world, the origin of my world is me. The world I've built for myself could not have come about if I didn't exist. For once, I would not be wrong in saying that I am the centre of my world!

It is this reminder, that puts things into a symbolically different perspective for me. I slowly go from marvelling at the magnitude of insignificance to appreciating my own significance if the world. And for it all, I have nothing but this mysterious source of power within me to thank.

Sometimes I wonder what this hypothetical ball holds, and what would happen if I were to "open" it. It has been a long, winding and uneven road to this point - that is, to simply accept that there is an tremendous amount of potential buried deep within me. Where it comes from, what it feeds on, what sustains it, how it remains intact seems to be a mystery, even to me. I think that maybe in a few more years, this could be a whole new side of myself that I may discover.

I know that this has been an odd sort of post, but in my defense, this has been an odd sort of week to have to go through. Although it may not seem like it, I have actually shared an extremely personal story about myself today through this post; I seem to have explored and stumbled upon a new facet to myself. I hope that my blog encourages (me and) anyone else out there reading this, to want to explore their own selves more. You never know what you might find - our personalities are gold mines!

Until next time, hopefully with a less confusing and more fun post...

Hasta la-buh bye!

#ThrowbackThursday: French Edition (Part I)

Bienvenue à mes souvenirs.

Tonight, I take a walk down another memory lane.

To France.

This picture is of the largest train terminals connecting Paris to other major cities around France as well as Europe. It is called Paris Nord or Gare du Nord (which means the North Gate).

I arrived at this station on the most memorable day of my life thus far, my Champagne Birthday. I took the Euro-rail from London to Paris (*cue DDLJ music*), and so many things happened, good and bad. That day was such a roller coaster that I will never, ever, ever forget it. I got late, lost, (almost) robbed, drunk and still managed to see one of the seven wonders in the world.

Of course, the Eiffel Tower.

I cannot put into words the feeling I got when I stood there, and saw the Tower light up before my eyes. My mom looked at me and said, "I don't know what is sparkling more... the Tower or your eyes!"

It stands so tall, so magnificent, so powerful, in the heart of the city. Your gaze is just drawn to it no matter how hard you try. When I stood there, and looked up towards the Eiffel Tower, it literally felt as though happiness swelled up inside me like a hot air balloon that could never pop. It's been exactly a year and a half since that day, and it still brings me an inexplicable amount of joy when I remember that day and that feeling.

It had been my dream since I was about 10 years old after learning what these amazing wonders were, to spend my Champagne Birthday in Paris, the most romantic cities in the world.

And I owe it to my parents, my lucky stars and my relentless will-power and determination, that I made this happen. Do you know what a cool story this makes?!

However, I must confess. The Eiffel Tower, although undoubtedly breath-taking, is not the only sight to see in Paris or in France. The architecture in the city is absolutely unparalleled.

Buildings from all ages and times have still been maintained in their pristine conditions. You just feel as though you must be French when you're walking through those beautiful, cobble-stoned streets. France is known for so many significant landmarks, that it is truly hard to keep track of them all.

I took close to a thousand pictures in the 3 days we spent there, until I realized that I was seeing France through the lens. I had to put my camera away, and just take the magnificence of it all, in. You know how they say, French cuisine is the best in the world? They don't lie. If I close my eyes and think hard enough, I can still taste those crepes...

Of course, the art holds it's place with pride.

I must admit: although the Mona Lisa is extremely small, there is a certain feeling of satisfaction that simply cannot be explained when you stand in front of her, and she gives you that coy smile.

We visited many, many other beautiful places while we toured this lovely country, but I will save more of those memories for Part II of this edition. I simply could not squeeze everything into one post. In the second part, I will share more of my stories and experiences I had within France.

In the spirit of honesty, my words and these pictures truly do not do this trip enough justice. Being there and experiencing those moments, now feels like it was an out-of-this-world like experience. What I would give to go back and relive those few days...

For now though, this is me calling it a night. I'm sick as a dog again, and barely able to move *cries* so please send lots of "gws wishes" my way, please and thank you.

Au revoir, mes amis!

Until next time, and hopefully with better health...

Hasta la-buh bye!

Turmoil.

Hello, world.

This past week... I'm not sure where or how to start, but...

You know those times when it feels like absolutely everything you ever wanted to do in life suddenly presents itself as an opportunity, and you want to do it all, but it's humanly impossible to do so? Along with which, every stressor you thought you conquered suddenly comes back ten times stronger to bite you and makes you question your every life decision? And as the cherry on top, not one thing goes your way: work sucks, personal life is stressful, your body is tired, friends are unavailable and good health decides to take a hike. That somewhat sums up my week.

Anywho, I have one more day to plow through, and then the weekend shall be here! *celebrates*

So while going through these last few days, I was trying to figure out why it is that I was so fatigued, stressed, cranky and on edge. There were a lot of thoughts crammed in my brain and I had no space in my head to think through them at all.

Ergo, turmoil.

In the spirit of honesty, I reached breaking point several times in the last few days, some of which I didn't think I would make it through. But I've chosen my company wisely. I've surrounded myself with people who remind me how important I am and that no matter what I may think, people care for me.

As hopeless as I felt, I held on to these claims, and I'm slowly making my way out of my dark place. I haven't quite conquered all my problems yet, but baby steps, right?

But the point of this post; some things I wanted to put out there. Through this time I was having, I got three great pieces of advice that I think everyone should know about, in case they are stuck between a rock and a hard place like I was. Here they are:

1. Break it down

I was suffocating under the weight of my problems these last few days. However, someone told me to simply disentangle the confusing, intertwined web in my head. Look at every problem like it's own little entity, rather than looking at all my problems as one big monster I cannot behead.

While at first this seemed like an absurd thought, I later realized that it was a brilliant idea. It helped me separate the actual problems from the additional cobwebs of concerns that had accumulated in the corners of my brain. Breaking these problems down just made me feel like I had power over my problems, rather than them holding power over me.

In addition to explaining this philosophy, my well-wisher also did a really funny bit where she said, "If it helps, you could also break other things like walls, doors, people's faces... up to you!"

2. Be diplomatic

Of course, seeing me in this much pain and trouble concerned the Man in the Shadows. He may be my Kryptonite, but it seems I am his weakness too. As always, he had to be the calm voice of reason in my topsy-turvy, twisted, inexplicably problematic world.

He heard me out, let me vent, watched me shed tears; eventually, he used the one thing on me that he knew would have an instant effect: logic.

While he agreed wholeheartedly with the idea of me breaking it down, he went a step further. He ensured that I not only segregate all of my problems into little ones, but I approach each one in a very logical and diplomatic manner.

He reminded me of my strengths: my rationality, my levelheadedness, and my diplomatic approach to problem solving. He pointed out how using these had helped me conquer mountains in the past, and I simply needed to do the same again. I thank him for knowing me so well.

3. Do you!

Finally, this was a seemingly selfish, but extremely necessary piece of advice that I got from my chic, fashion-forward personality twin. Being the same age as me, she understood my troubles, and where my concerns stemmed from.

She related several of her own life stories to mine, and made me feel like less of a weirdo for having problems like these. But the way she ended her spiel was what got me thinking.

She said that, as an individual, I will know if what is going on in my life is right or wrong. An intuitive voice from within you will either concur or protest your situation. If what is happening to or around you does not seem 110% right to you, don't do it!

She stressed to me that at the end of the day, I should focus on what makes me happy. I should be able to live with no regrets and say, I took the time to do me!

I thank these individuals in my life from the very bottom of my heart; had it not been for them, I don't know where I'd be, or how I'd be feeling. They helped to change my perspective on things, and made me appreciate what I've got even more.

I didn't want to make this an advice like post, but I really needed to get this off my chest.

I hope y'all enjoyed another little glimpse into my life.

Next week's post should be a bit more colorful than this one. But until then...

Hasta la-buh bye!