Fuel to the Fire

Hello world.

This past week has been kaafi interesting.

A lot of things happened (and are happening) that gave (and are giving) me clarity about a few situations in my life.

If you've read all the posts I've written this year, you must have picked up that I admire self-learning. I hold it at a very high standard and consider it to be critical for personal growth and development. Throughout this week, I did a lot of self-learning. I learned more about myself through the events that happened around me.

I have to insert this comment here: Mad credit needs to be given to Kryptonite for knowing me better than I know myself. He called so many of these realizations since tiiiime and I brushed them off thinking he was way off base. Turns out, I just took a longer, more scenic route to come to the very same conclusion that he came to, many weeks ago.

Kryptonite had called me out multiple times for "being strategic". The use of that word would make me very uncomfortable because of it's negative connotations and implications. Whenever he said that, I would try to find ways to deny it. But it was this week that I realized how very right he was. While I'd still like to refute the word "strategic", I have to admit this: Everything I do, everything I say and everything I am seems to be for a reason.

Whether the reason is apparent in the moment, or will be revealed later is irrelevant to me. In the spirit of complete honesty, sometimes I don't even realize that my actions are moulded by my subconscious train of thought. It is when I'm hit with epiphanies later, I realize that there was a reason for my actions, words and behaviours all along. It's a great feeling to realize that your being had or has a purpose all along.

But I think I digress...

I don't quite know what the purpose of this week's post is, or maybe I do. Fair warning, this is going to be a lot of rambling.

So it was during this journey of self-learning that I discovered something about myself. I came across this almost unhealthy obsession I kept bottled up within myself. What I used to mistake for a lot of passion, or determination, or relentlessness, was in fact, plain old obsession. Granted, it led to all 3 things mentioned above, but only if it was in moderation. With the way things had been going on in my head, there were no boundaries with my feelings, and I really needed to talk some ideas out. I felt like I was losing my head, but maybe this will help...

In the past, I had come to terms with this feeling before. However I could only acknowledge that it existed. I didn't act on it, I didn't further pursue it, or even think about it in detail until this week. This week, I was absolutely, and rivetingly fixated on a few particular thoughts in my head. It impacted my ability to think straight, it impaired my focus, I was grouchy and inattentive, to say the least. This wasn't passion or determination. These were thoughts that I knew were bothering me, and yet I couldn't help but obsess over them. My persistence to hold on to these feelings surprised me; what was I trying to do? What was I trying to prove by causing myself discomfort?

So now, not only was I battling the actual thoughts that I was obsessing over, but I was also struggling to wrap my head around why I was feeling this way. I have honestly just come to the conclusion that that is simply how I am. I have tried to change this trait about myself in the past, but it's like a stupid dog's tail that just won't straighten out no matter how hard you try. Or maybe I haven't yet found the thing that will change that trait in me for good.

Yet another thing about me is that I like to surround myself with inspirational individuals. I keep up with some YouTubers, I follow the little guys who hit it big, and I like getting motivated through the actions of these individuals. I admire them when they set their goals and achieve them. I aspire to do the same in my own life.

So during this period of coming to terms with the fact that I was obsessed with some thoughts, I realized that I had found another untapped source of power within myself. If I could be this fixated on a thought, just imagine how I would be if I picked a goal and focused on it the same way that I did when I was obsessing over something fairly unnecessary!

I realized that merely acknowledging the presence of obsession was not the point I should stop. Even though it felt like a big deal to admit to myself that I was worry-fretting about nonsense, I now know that I can take that a step further. All the unimportant thoughts that were demanding my attention could simply be redirected to a project, or a goal and I would achieve it so much faster. I now know that I can get extremely focused, and this too, works in my favour!

I think I've rambled enough.

So, long story short, I basically found the silver lining (see what I did there? o.-). I found that I have a fire within me that, if fueled right, could be a big help to me in the long run. I am yet to see what I can do with this new found realization about myself, but I'll keep y'all posted!

Until next time...

Hasta la-buh bye!