The Art of Refusal

"No."

Truth.

A seemingly harmless syllable, but a word with so much power. So easy to spell, yet so hard to say.

I find today's post to be most aptly named, for I truly admire those who are able to say no. I consider them artists, in a way. Hence... the Art of Refusal.

Don't get me wrong; there is nothing nice or kind about always saying no. However, putting your foot down when your emotions are being tested; refusing to do something because it goes against your principles; not taking on more responsibility because it is hard to say no to authority: these are all skills that not many people possess.

But why is that?

Even those who are not able to say no in the aforementioned situations are able to refuse other things with fairly graceful ease.

For example, ditching your friends to spend time with a crush; blowing off family to do additional work for your boss, or even cancelling on a significant other to be able to spend time with friends.

In all of these cases, although a person may be unable to say no in one scenario, they are able to say no in another. This is because every individual prioritizes things differently; they give different aspects of their life varying levels of importance and make their decisions accordingly.

So how does one know when exactly to say no? What are some of the concerns that go through people's minds when they think of the next time they are required to say no in a situation?

While I couldn't tell you what others think, I will certainly share my personal point of view.

I feel the need to say this: doing things for others a huge driver for me. I thoroughly enjoy helping others, and knowing that I have made a worthy contribution to their day overjoys me. Somewhere in this perception, I have conditioned myself to think that I am responsible for everyone's problems.

In the past, when the number of people I was looking after was small, and the problems that needed resolutions were easy enough to be fixed on my own, I welcomed additional responsibility.

However, as that number grew, in all the various aspects of my life, responsibility began to trump physical capability.

It was then that I wished, I possessed the art of refusal. Simply being able to say no to what is being asked of you seemed like an insurmountable challenge to me. It is something I struggle with, to this day. I gave it some thought as to why I had a hard time, and came to the conclusion: I'm weird.

One of my biggest fears is letting people down. A large part of this fear stems from the belief that refusing someone would automatically lead to letting them down. Then there is wanting to please everyone, not necessarily to be in their good books, but to offer a helping hand. As I've said in the past, I believe that a good deed goes a long way in helping oneself.

There is also the worry of hurting someone's feelings if I say no to them. Whether it involves reciprocating intimacy, finishing a task earlier than expected, or any situation where a level of trust has been placed in you to say yes. These are especially delicate situations which not only drain me emotionally, but usually have me on tenterhooks.

Here is the largest aspect of it all that I forget to consider while I severely lack the art of refusal: how superfluous my presence is in a situation where I feel extremely pressured and obligated to say yes. I am slowly learning that I am an important asset, not a liability or an expense, available at the disposal of those in my life.

I am learning not to feel guilty about not being able to do every single thing for every single person around me. I am learning that it is not a requirement for me to be nice to everyone. And most of all, I am slowly learning to put myself higher on my own list of priorities.

It is a learning process, it is slow, and it is wonderfully empowering and freeing at the same time.

Think about it...

Thank you for joining me in my reflection today, friends!

Until the next snow storm hits...

Hasta la-buh bye!

Gratitude.

She waltzes through life, always appearing graceful,
But the hurt in her eyes, is sometimes just too painful.

Through trials and sufferings, she smiles and looks joyful,
Concealing her doubts and worries, she is always careful.

Having had her heart broken, she remains a little doubtful,
The thought of facing pain again, has her quite fearful.

Yet she remains optimistic; she is always helpful,
She knows a good deed goes a long way; she is faithful.

Skeptics bring her down sometimes; many are quite baleful,
She stands her ground in sheer confidence, she is not shameful.

Many have caused her pain, and been very hurtful,
Her heart has ached for so long; it has been simply awful.

Still she sees good in the world, and she remains thankful,
Knowing angels still exist, puts her at ease and makes her hopeful.

She never forgets those who are kind to her, she is forever mindful,
Her heart fills with hope once again, making her feel peaceful.

After all these years, she has finally learned she is beautiful,
She is surrounded by so much love, she is eternally grateful.

A simple list to follow.

Often times in life, we forget to take inventory of everything we have. Sometimes, to stop and simply give thanks, can give one more peace of mind than anything else.

Gratitude is a funny notion; everyone has different ways of expressing it. Through a little poetic update this week, I am acknowledging my lucky stars to bring me where I am. With the whirlwind of emotions I've been feeling, this was the best way to voice it.

However, several juicy, heartfelt and contemplate-worthy topics are on the way.

Until next time, m'dears.

Hasta la-buh bye!

The Social Experiment: "Operation Corporation"

I love to study people.

Have you ever wondered what is going through a person's mind every day? Just for a minute, if you slow the world down and take in all the faces around you, what would you notice?

When I look around me, I am fascinated by people.

The rationale for their actions, their thought processes - I find them all so very intriguing. I think about what drives a person to be who they are, what may be weighing on their mind, what is triggering them to behave the way they are, what concerns they may be facing in life...

It makes me realize: there is a reason every individual happens to be in the moment they are in.

Now, I'm sure that I am not the only one who enjoys observing people. There may be several others who like to do the same, and are probably better at reading people than I am.

But! When I observe people, it's not only individuals that I pass on the street, or ones who I may be travelling with on the subway. Mostly, I observe my friends. I scrutinize their behaviors, their actions and reactions in situations, the things they say, etc. It is by doing so, that I learn more about them.

It's a lengthy process, you know?!

Developing patterns, looking for similarities, determining their comfort zone, testing the waters by assuming their likes and dislikes, and making a note of several other minute details and nuances. Not to mention that if in doing all this, I find out I'm wrong, I go right back to the drawing board and start the learning process from scratch, once again.

In spite of my extensive research and sincere efforts to get to know people, I am never able to state with complete certainty that I know a person inside out, regardless of how close I am with them. That would mean I'm completely disregarding the ability of people to be spontaneous and surprising.

And it's here, that one of my biggest pet peeves about perceptions comes into play.

There are times when people assume they simply know me to be a certain way. Whether this is in fact true or not, they don't really care. I find it incredibly irksome.. especially if what they claiming happens to be untrue.

So, what I'm struggling to understand is this: why would someone stake such a claim to begin with? What would prompt someone to say that they know me to be a certain way, when that may not be so?

"Nobody knows me, yet everyone knows my name." - Westlife

While I am still searching for an answer, I had a few theories. Go figure.

Maybe this stems from insecurities that an individual feels. Do they feel powerless over me if they do not know me? By making such bold claims about others, are these individuals simply reassuring themselves that they are an important aspect in others lives?

Or does it simply come from a mixture of past experiences and a natural tendency to generalize people? However, those who know me, also know that if there is one thing I really dislike, it is being generalized.

So, since this didn't make much sense, I delved further into my thoughts. I wondered whether I may have been playing a part in this assumption somewhere. What if I have conditioned people to always perceive me in a certain light? If I have acted a certain way around people all the time, does this then entitle them to predict my behaviour? I'd disagree, because then I would be perceived as incapable of spontaneity, and that would be untrue.

So I decided to put this to the test. With the help of a friend, I designed a little social experiment.

Along with impulsion and stubbornness, I have another annoying quirk: I am hopelessly optimistic. About everything. Even things that may be a lost cause.

Especially with regards to the different kind of relationships I share with people. Whether they are friends, co-workers, acquaintances, or even family members. Not only do I invest more into relationships than other people, but my attempts to engage the reciprocals are truly relentless.

A friend said to me, "That is a really rare quality in people these days. You don't want to lose that about yourself."

I use this buoyancy and positivism to condition those around me; they expect me to constantly be upbeat, happy and cheerful.

So in my little experiment, I decided to tone down the extrovert in me by several notches, especially within formal settings. While at first I failed to see the significance of this, my friend guaranteed that it would produce results of some sort. And he was right.

While I was busy respecting the stories of those around me, often times, I neglected mine. However, after a single day of neutral behaviour, standoffish demeanour and close to no chatting in the workplace, not one, but three of my co-workers stopped to ask me if I was okay. While this experiment was not designed to see whether I'd be able to get more attention, it is interesting to note how the change in behaviour gave me exactly that.

I plan on continuing this facade indefinitely, and I know I will learn something new from it every day. I am still looking for answers with regards to my previously raised questions, but en route to that discovery, I am finding answers to many other questions I never knew I had.

Words to live by.

Here's to self-discovery, turning over a new leaf, self-reflection and social experiments.

Until next time, y'all.

Hasta la-buh bye!

The Man in the Shadows

Today, I want to write about someone. Someone I consider to be extremely close to my heart.

A friend of mine.

Just when I think I've learned everything there is to know about him, something he says or does, takes me by surprise. He is someone I can never put my finger on. But the best part about him, is how blissfully unaware he is of the amazing and unique personality he possesses.

The things he says, the things he does, his ideologies about certain things, his reasoning as he makes decisions are all incredibly fascinating to observe. The charm, the mannerisms, the innate qualities of a gentleman and chivalry are so extraordinary, that they set him apart on an entirely different level. However, at the end of the day, he insists that he is like "anybody else out there".

His astounding humility and modesty amaze me every day, while his inquisitiveness, curiosity and amusement at little things that surprise him, is a delight to watch.

I often compare him to a guardian; one who silently stands and watches over everyone. It reflects in his personality, where he puts others before himself without blinking an eye.

His calm aura, silent elegance and princely stature give him a rather powerful persona. I always think to myself that he would not be a person to cross; oddly enough, he thinks the same of me.

I've come to the conclusion that there is so much more to him than I will ever know and understand. However, I've begun to find comfort in the mystery and the complexity of his personality.

To this day, the relationship I share with him confounds me. It is an extremely special bond we have, and I hold it closer to me than I could put into words. We have come a long way in a very short time.

He has been an exception to all the rules I've ever made for myself. In just a few fortnights, we have traveled down a lovely path of camaraderie. I marvel at how easily I was able to invest so much of my trust into this friendship with him.

Here is what I know for a fact: the man has a heart of gold. He has a billion things to teach the world, simply by being himself. Although at times, I wish there were many more like him, there is no one out there who could ever be half the man he is.

So, the significance of this post, you ask?

A token of gratitude for this extraordinary entity, that is my friend.

This is to thank him for every single thing he's ever done for me. For always being the quiet voice of reason. For being my pillar when I thought I would crash and burn. For lending me his ear when I needed to speak. For making me listen to exactly what I needed to hear. For understanding me beyond mere words or actions. For recognizing that there is more than meets the eye.

For never generalizing me. For stubbornly pointing out every day that I am a unique individual; that there is no one out there like me. For actually meaning it.

For advocating everyone's case, ever. For justifying every single thing said, ever.

For his amazing words of wisdom, wit and experience that put any situation into better perspective. For holding me back when I need to be held back, and for pushing me forward when I needed the encouragement.

However, most important of all, I thank him for being him.

I thank him, for restoring my faith in humanity every day.

Dedicated to you, Superstar. You truly are my Kryptonite.

Until next time, oh dearies.

Hasta la-buh bye!

Welcome, 2015.

2014 was hard.

The last few months have been especially challenging, to say the least.

In a short period of time, there were a lot of heart aches, heart breaks, melt downs, panic attacks, lonely nights, battling demons, and countless tears.

And yet, here I am.

Here we all are. Facing a new year - 2015!

As with everyone, and as with every new year, I have made resolutions. But this time around, they are a little different.

Sure, I've got the materialistic list like everybody - be healthier, go to the gym, eat right, sleep more, job hunt, read books, write on my blog more often (*shuffles feet embarrassedly*) and so on...

However...

There's something new on my agenda for 2015, an odd sort of list of resolutions, if you will.

It will be this list, that I will refer to every day, to make sure I am sticking to my resolutions.

It will be this list, that I will share with every person I care about, because I think they should have this on their agendas too.

And it will be this list, that will ensure me taking on this year as a better, stronger, and more amazing person.

So what is this list you ask? Just five little bits of advice. Here goes.

1. Keep an open mind.

The significance of a new year is through a mere date. Each day is a new opportunity. Keeping an open mind does not simply translate to meek acceptance of anything and everything around you. An open mind means letting the fabrics of judgement, prejudice and stereotypes fall away from your view. Looking at the world from a different angle. Understanding that everyone has a story which led them to where they are now. Everyone has their own trials, triumphs, demons and drives; an open mind respects all those about different individuals.

Being judgmental is frighteningly easy, the challenge is not to do so. This year, my goal is to learn even more about the world around me. I pride myself in my observation skills, however I've learned something very important - there is so much more than ever meets the eye in this world.

Don't just hear what's being said, but listen to the words spoken.

Don't just see what's around you, but truly look at it.

2. Be spontaneous, take risks, try something new.

So much of our lives are spent in the mundane routines that persevere every day. Jobs, school, whatever it may be, ruts are surprisingly easy to wedge our selves into. Unbeknownst to us, these routines slowly take a toll on our mental health. We feel trapped, suffocated, and frustrated without truly understanding what may be fueling such emotions. What we fail to overlook, is this: we are our own culprits. In the rush to get where we need to go, do what we need to do, finish what we need to finish, we often forget to (forgive the use of the cliché here) stop and smell the roses.

I plead to you all. Stop. Smell them. They smell wonderful.

It could be as simple as having pomegranate juice instead of apple, walking down Second Avenue instead of First Street, maybe even adding the color orange to your wardrobe. Or it could also be something bold, and life-changing like altering your career path, moving out of the city for bigger and better opportunities, proposing to the one you love, or finally pursuing that crazy hobby you never dared to. Whatever it may be, DO IT! 

Disclaimer: Know that there is a fine line between throwing caution to the wind and irrationality.

3. Live with no regrets.

Ten years down the road, when you look back at any given day in your life, I don't want you to wish you had done something differently. I completely understand that some things in life are well out of our hands. However, there are always some parts we can control. In the words of a wise rat named Remy, "Change is nature, the part that we can influence. And it starts when we decide."

So what if it's a shot in the dark? You'll know.

So what if it's a mistake? You'll learn.

So what if it goes wrong? You'll survive.

You owe it to yourself to be content. Think of what truly matters to you. Think of who will be affected by your choices. And most importantly, think of how your decision will affect your life.

Please know that although I say this, I do not condone or promote the trial of harmful substances, alcohol or any other life threatening activities. That is not the kind of decisions I want y'all to make.

4. Be independent, not alone.

Many a times, independence is often perceived as synonymous with being aloof, detached and maybe rebellious. Not always. When I say "be independent", I mean this: If you are working on washing judgement away from your life, you need not let it affect you either. Don't let the judgement of others control your actions. Don't worry about what people will think if you dress a certain way. Don't let it bother you if people think your perfectionism is quirky.

It is those who are unconventional, who are trail blazers. Don't be afraid to make your own mark, to carve your own path and to stand out in a crowd. If you are exuberant and confident in your traits, no one will dare question you. Make an impact so that others will realize, your way is the right way.

5. Appreciate your life.

Life is so unexpected. With all the crazy things going on in this world around us, I sometimes wonder whether I will live to see a new day. And when I do, I embrace it as though I've been granted a new life. The fact that I am in a warm home, writing this post on an expensive piece of technology, the fact that I am able to string together these fancy words for our amusement, (to me) is a blessing in disguise.

Every day, I appreciate the fact that I am surrounded by those who love me unconditionally. I appreciate that I have a wonderful education attached to my name. I appreciate that I have the most amazing friends in the world. Above all, my gratitude knows no bounds that I understand what appreciation truly is. I am a whole, healthy person. To all those who are able to say this with me, please know and understand how truly blessed you are.

So, there you have it! My peculiar list of resolutions for 2015.

If any of these resonated with you, please let me know. I urge you all to follow these with me, but I'd hate to impose. Consider this a humble proposition.

Until next time, oh dear ones.

Hasta la-buh bye!