When I was younger, the Pops tried to rid me of my irrational fear in a few different ways. He first attempted to use the generic, "Don't worry, God is just taking pictures with a new camera - you have to smile when you see the flash!" When that didn't work, he tried to convince me that he was a magician, and could predict exactly when thunder could sound (which scientifically comes right after lightning). And when even that didn't impress me, he simply said I was crazy.
But nothing ever calmed me down. And after almost 2 decades, nothing still does.
I've spent many nights wondering where this fear even came from. My diagnosis: in the grand scheme of things, the lightning made me feel so small. To me, it seemed like tangible evidence of how helpless, oblivious and dispensable the human race was. The sheer power, size and number of things that we, as humans, had not yet figured out was enormous.
Mysteries of science, of nature, of the supernatural, of the past, of technology, of biology, of the elements of the earth, of space... the list was not exhaustive and surprisingly lengthy! I know it sounds like a bit of a stretch, my mind really did wander that far and wide.
I used to call this The Lightning Theory.
While growing up, I went through some really difficult times. I faced situations that no one should ever have to face, and battled demons not at all knowing how to overcome them. The lack of knowledge, the lack of support and the loneliness did nothing but constantly reinforce my belief in this theory.
There was nobody I could speak to, nobody I could share my story with, nobody who might understand. The world was harsh and full of judgement, and for a young person with struggles beyond their understanding, hope was extremely scarce.
And even today, a small part of me still holds on to this perspective; out of respect, out of trepidation. Without knowing how to overcome these fears, I struggled for so many years to simply accept my insignificance in this world.
Upsetting thoughts forcefully reminded me that nothing truly mattered; they held me below the surface more than a few times. There were some nights, where I didn't think I'd make it to the next day. Not that I ever wanted to bring physical harm to myself, I was afraid I'd just break.
Whatever happened to me when I was young, is something I still carry with me, although definitely not willingly. It's an unpleasant burden that has it's own whimsical weight and occurrence - it is an extremely difficult phenomenon to deal with.
But still, here I am.
Something got me through. Every time, there was a beacon of hope within me, that could not be touched. Many times, I didn't even know it existed, or realized that it was that little ball of power buried deep inside me, that saved me... time and again.
But I think I'm slowly acknowledging it's presence. Actually, I'm going beyond it's mere existence, and truly beginning to see it's power.
Whatever mystery is locked inside that untapped sphere reminds me, that I am the grand scale of things. Regardless of the innumerable unsolved mysteries of the world, the origin of my world is me. The world I've built for myself could not have come about if I didn't exist. For once, I would not be wrong in saying that I am the centre of my world!
It is this reminder, that puts things into a symbolically different perspective for me. I slowly go from marvelling at the magnitude of insignificance to appreciating my own significance if the world. And for it all, I have nothing but this mysterious source of power within me to thank.
Sometimes I wonder what this hypothetical ball holds, and what would happen if I were to "open" it. It has been a long, winding and uneven road to this point - that is, to simply accept that there is an tremendous amount of potential buried deep within me. Where it comes from, what it feeds on, what sustains it, how it remains intact seems to be a mystery, even to me. I think that maybe in a few more years, this could be a whole new side of myself that I may discover.
I know that this has been an odd sort of post, but in my defense, this has been an odd sort of week to have to go through. Although it may not seem like it, I have actually shared an extremely personal story about myself today through this post; I seem to have explored and stumbled upon a new facet to myself. I hope that my blog encourages (me and) anyone else out there reading this, to want to explore their own selves more. You never know what you might find - our personalities are gold mines!
Until next time, hopefully with a less confusing and more fun post...
Hasta la-buh bye!
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