The Art of Refusal

"No."

Truth.

A seemingly harmless syllable, but a word with so much power. So easy to spell, yet so hard to say.

I find today's post to be most aptly named, for I truly admire those who are able to say no. I consider them artists, in a way. Hence... the Art of Refusal.

Don't get me wrong; there is nothing nice or kind about always saying no. However, putting your foot down when your emotions are being tested; refusing to do something because it goes against your principles; not taking on more responsibility because it is hard to say no to authority: these are all skills that not many people possess.

But why is that?

Even those who are not able to say no in the aforementioned situations are able to refuse other things with fairly graceful ease.

For example, ditching your friends to spend time with a crush; blowing off family to do additional work for your boss, or even cancelling on a significant other to be able to spend time with friends.

In all of these cases, although a person may be unable to say no in one scenario, they are able to say no in another. This is because every individual prioritizes things differently; they give different aspects of their life varying levels of importance and make their decisions accordingly.

So how does one know when exactly to say no? What are some of the concerns that go through people's minds when they think of the next time they are required to say no in a situation?

While I couldn't tell you what others think, I will certainly share my personal point of view.

I feel the need to say this: doing things for others a huge driver for me. I thoroughly enjoy helping others, and knowing that I have made a worthy contribution to their day overjoys me. Somewhere in this perception, I have conditioned myself to think that I am responsible for everyone's problems.

In the past, when the number of people I was looking after was small, and the problems that needed resolutions were easy enough to be fixed on my own, I welcomed additional responsibility.

However, as that number grew, in all the various aspects of my life, responsibility began to trump physical capability.

It was then that I wished, I possessed the art of refusal. Simply being able to say no to what is being asked of you seemed like an insurmountable challenge to me. It is something I struggle with, to this day. I gave it some thought as to why I had a hard time, and came to the conclusion: I'm weird.

One of my biggest fears is letting people down. A large part of this fear stems from the belief that refusing someone would automatically lead to letting them down. Then there is wanting to please everyone, not necessarily to be in their good books, but to offer a helping hand. As I've said in the past, I believe that a good deed goes a long way in helping oneself.

There is also the worry of hurting someone's feelings if I say no to them. Whether it involves reciprocating intimacy, finishing a task earlier than expected, or any situation where a level of trust has been placed in you to say yes. These are especially delicate situations which not only drain me emotionally, but usually have me on tenterhooks.

Here is the largest aspect of it all that I forget to consider while I severely lack the art of refusal: how superfluous my presence is in a situation where I feel extremely pressured and obligated to say yes. I am slowly learning that I am an important asset, not a liability or an expense, available at the disposal of those in my life.

I am learning not to feel guilty about not being able to do every single thing for every single person around me. I am learning that it is not a requirement for me to be nice to everyone. And most of all, I am slowly learning to put myself higher on my own list of priorities.

It is a learning process, it is slow, and it is wonderfully empowering and freeing at the same time.

Think about it...

Thank you for joining me in my reflection today, friends!

Until the next snow storm hits...

Hasta la-buh bye!

Gratitude.

She waltzes through life, always appearing graceful,
But the hurt in her eyes, is sometimes just too painful.

Through trials and sufferings, she smiles and looks joyful,
Concealing her doubts and worries, she is always careful.

Having had her heart broken, she remains a little doubtful,
The thought of facing pain again, has her quite fearful.

Yet she remains optimistic; she is always helpful,
She knows a good deed goes a long way; she is faithful.

Skeptics bring her down sometimes; many are quite baleful,
She stands her ground in sheer confidence, she is not shameful.

Many have caused her pain, and been very hurtful,
Her heart has ached for so long; it has been simply awful.

Still she sees good in the world, and she remains thankful,
Knowing angels still exist, puts her at ease and makes her hopeful.

She never forgets those who are kind to her, she is forever mindful,
Her heart fills with hope once again, making her feel peaceful.

After all these years, she has finally learned she is beautiful,
She is surrounded by so much love, she is eternally grateful.

A simple list to follow.

Often times in life, we forget to take inventory of everything we have. Sometimes, to stop and simply give thanks, can give one more peace of mind than anything else.

Gratitude is a funny notion; everyone has different ways of expressing it. Through a little poetic update this week, I am acknowledging my lucky stars to bring me where I am. With the whirlwind of emotions I've been feeling, this was the best way to voice it.

However, several juicy, heartfelt and contemplate-worthy topics are on the way.

Until next time, m'dears.

Hasta la-buh bye!

The Social Experiment: "Operation Corporation"

I love to study people.

Have you ever wondered what is going through a person's mind every day? Just for a minute, if you slow the world down and take in all the faces around you, what would you notice?

When I look around me, I am fascinated by people.

The rationale for their actions, their thought processes - I find them all so very intriguing. I think about what drives a person to be who they are, what may be weighing on their mind, what is triggering them to behave the way they are, what concerns they may be facing in life...

It makes me realize: there is a reason every individual happens to be in the moment they are in.

Now, I'm sure that I am not the only one who enjoys observing people. There may be several others who like to do the same, and are probably better at reading people than I am.

But! When I observe people, it's not only individuals that I pass on the street, or ones who I may be travelling with on the subway. Mostly, I observe my friends. I scrutinize their behaviors, their actions and reactions in situations, the things they say, etc. It is by doing so, that I learn more about them.

It's a lengthy process, you know?!

Developing patterns, looking for similarities, determining their comfort zone, testing the waters by assuming their likes and dislikes, and making a note of several other minute details and nuances. Not to mention that if in doing all this, I find out I'm wrong, I go right back to the drawing board and start the learning process from scratch, once again.

In spite of my extensive research and sincere efforts to get to know people, I am never able to state with complete certainty that I know a person inside out, regardless of how close I am with them. That would mean I'm completely disregarding the ability of people to be spontaneous and surprising.

And it's here, that one of my biggest pet peeves about perceptions comes into play.

There are times when people assume they simply know me to be a certain way. Whether this is in fact true or not, they don't really care. I find it incredibly irksome.. especially if what they claiming happens to be untrue.

So, what I'm struggling to understand is this: why would someone stake such a claim to begin with? What would prompt someone to say that they know me to be a certain way, when that may not be so?

"Nobody knows me, yet everyone knows my name." - Westlife

While I am still searching for an answer, I had a few theories. Go figure.

Maybe this stems from insecurities that an individual feels. Do they feel powerless over me if they do not know me? By making such bold claims about others, are these individuals simply reassuring themselves that they are an important aspect in others lives?

Or does it simply come from a mixture of past experiences and a natural tendency to generalize people? However, those who know me, also know that if there is one thing I really dislike, it is being generalized.

So, since this didn't make much sense, I delved further into my thoughts. I wondered whether I may have been playing a part in this assumption somewhere. What if I have conditioned people to always perceive me in a certain light? If I have acted a certain way around people all the time, does this then entitle them to predict my behaviour? I'd disagree, because then I would be perceived as incapable of spontaneity, and that would be untrue.

So I decided to put this to the test. With the help of a friend, I designed a little social experiment.

Along with impulsion and stubbornness, I have another annoying quirk: I am hopelessly optimistic. About everything. Even things that may be a lost cause.

Especially with regards to the different kind of relationships I share with people. Whether they are friends, co-workers, acquaintances, or even family members. Not only do I invest more into relationships than other people, but my attempts to engage the reciprocals are truly relentless.

A friend said to me, "That is a really rare quality in people these days. You don't want to lose that about yourself."

I use this buoyancy and positivism to condition those around me; they expect me to constantly be upbeat, happy and cheerful.

So in my little experiment, I decided to tone down the extrovert in me by several notches, especially within formal settings. While at first I failed to see the significance of this, my friend guaranteed that it would produce results of some sort. And he was right.

While I was busy respecting the stories of those around me, often times, I neglected mine. However, after a single day of neutral behaviour, standoffish demeanour and close to no chatting in the workplace, not one, but three of my co-workers stopped to ask me if I was okay. While this experiment was not designed to see whether I'd be able to get more attention, it is interesting to note how the change in behaviour gave me exactly that.

I plan on continuing this facade indefinitely, and I know I will learn something new from it every day. I am still looking for answers with regards to my previously raised questions, but en route to that discovery, I am finding answers to many other questions I never knew I had.

Words to live by.

Here's to self-discovery, turning over a new leaf, self-reflection and social experiments.

Until next time, y'all.

Hasta la-buh bye!