The Art of Refusal

"No."

Truth.

A seemingly harmless syllable, but a word with so much power. So easy to spell, yet so hard to say.

I find today's post to be most aptly named, for I truly admire those who are able to say no. I consider them artists, in a way. Hence... the Art of Refusal.

Don't get me wrong; there is nothing nice or kind about always saying no. However, putting your foot down when your emotions are being tested; refusing to do something because it goes against your principles; not taking on more responsibility because it is hard to say no to authority: these are all skills that not many people possess.

But why is that?

Even those who are not able to say no in the aforementioned situations are able to refuse other things with fairly graceful ease.

For example, ditching your friends to spend time with a crush; blowing off family to do additional work for your boss, or even cancelling on a significant other to be able to spend time with friends.

In all of these cases, although a person may be unable to say no in one scenario, they are able to say no in another. This is because every individual prioritizes things differently; they give different aspects of their life varying levels of importance and make their decisions accordingly.

So how does one know when exactly to say no? What are some of the concerns that go through people's minds when they think of the next time they are required to say no in a situation?

While I couldn't tell you what others think, I will certainly share my personal point of view.

I feel the need to say this: doing things for others a huge driver for me. I thoroughly enjoy helping others, and knowing that I have made a worthy contribution to their day overjoys me. Somewhere in this perception, I have conditioned myself to think that I am responsible for everyone's problems.

In the past, when the number of people I was looking after was small, and the problems that needed resolutions were easy enough to be fixed on my own, I welcomed additional responsibility.

However, as that number grew, in all the various aspects of my life, responsibility began to trump physical capability.

It was then that I wished, I possessed the art of refusal. Simply being able to say no to what is being asked of you seemed like an insurmountable challenge to me. It is something I struggle with, to this day. I gave it some thought as to why I had a hard time, and came to the conclusion: I'm weird.

One of my biggest fears is letting people down. A large part of this fear stems from the belief that refusing someone would automatically lead to letting them down. Then there is wanting to please everyone, not necessarily to be in their good books, but to offer a helping hand. As I've said in the past, I believe that a good deed goes a long way in helping oneself.

There is also the worry of hurting someone's feelings if I say no to them. Whether it involves reciprocating intimacy, finishing a task earlier than expected, or any situation where a level of trust has been placed in you to say yes. These are especially delicate situations which not only drain me emotionally, but usually have me on tenterhooks.

Here is the largest aspect of it all that I forget to consider while I severely lack the art of refusal: how superfluous my presence is in a situation where I feel extremely pressured and obligated to say yes. I am slowly learning that I am an important asset, not a liability or an expense, available at the disposal of those in my life.

I am learning not to feel guilty about not being able to do every single thing for every single person around me. I am learning that it is not a requirement for me to be nice to everyone. And most of all, I am slowly learning to put myself higher on my own list of priorities.

It is a learning process, it is slow, and it is wonderfully empowering and freeing at the same time.

Think about it...

Thank you for joining me in my reflection today, friends!

Until the next snow storm hits...

Hasta la-buh bye!