The Toughest Critic

Greetings.

You know, if someone out there was actually keeping up with this blog (apart from my friends), they'd be pretty fed up with me by now.

Why, you ask?

Because, I have been harping about how hard RL has been for quite some time now, and honestly, more than anyone else out there, I'm getting the most tired of complaining about it.

So this post is not going to be about how hard it (still) is, or how I'm lost, or how I don't know what to do. While facing this difficult time, I know that I'm learning things about myself. I'm seeing how I'm dealing with the challenges that come my way. I feel like I know how I'd want to deal with them, I'm gathering what I'm learning from them.

So simply put, this post is about acceptance. Or the attempt of...

I believe I've said this a few times before, and I'll say it again - but I have a very internal locus of control. For me to stand by while things to and around me just happen, does not fall within my comfort zone. Unless I am actively trying to change a potentially bad situation, I cannot stand the feeling of helplessness that comes with the loss of control.

I said something to a friend yesterday that sounded quite profound then: I am of the belief that outcomes are the reasons of my actions, and never the other way around. What happens to and around me is because of the choices I make and the steps I take. Ergo, there is no one else to blame for when I happen to be in a tough situation except for myself.

And I think that's where the problem lies.

In all honesty, this was a philosophy taught to me by my parents, and I embody it wherever I go. And if I may say so myself, I am pretty darn proud of it. They taught me: don't only take credit when good things happen. Always accept responsibility and ownership when bad things happen, too.

And in doing so, I think I am too humble and take on ownership that may not be mine, in many of my life's situations. My friends, in the past, have pointed out to me that I often feel guilty about other people's issues, simply because they have told me about them. I go out of my way to help others even when I may not necessarily have the time or the desire to, only because they have trusted me with it, and I feel obligated. But I think I need to teach myself that it's okay to not help everyone in my life; people will understand that I have my own world of challenges to face.

However, this is much easier said than done. I think I have now become much much better at it than I used to be before, but a long way lies ahead. And within the process of extracting myself from everyone else, and trying to focus my attention on myself that I have come across something. I always say this to my friends, my colleagues and everyone around me, but the extent to which this statement rings with truth is something I'm only now grasping: I am my toughest critic.

I am always so hard on myself and have such high expectations, that if I do not meet or exceed my own expectations, I feel let down. Beliiieeevvveee me when I say, it is not a good feeling. Unfortunately, I am far too quick to point the finger of blame towards myself, and I am also not very kind if I judge myself. The spiraling abyss of dark thoughts that can follow these judgments can be pretty nasty; it's usually a hole I find very hard to climb out of. Remember the Blame Game? Not only am I my toughest opponent, but I'm also the best player on either side.

I believe that apart from simply accepting that there are things (now, and will be later) that will just be out of my control, I need to truly come to terms with it. I need to start being okay with it. I don't quite know how I'm going to do that, but at least I know that it needs to be done. I have been learning a lot about myself lately because of everything that I'm going through, and this post certainly does not mark the end of my journey. Just something that I thought I would share along the way.

I know there are a handful of people out there who are like me - people who do take the blame on to themselves, even when it's not theirs to take. This post is for them. It's not your place, it's not your responsibility and most importantly, it isn't your fault. While being your own devil's advocate and your own harshest judge can be good, it can become a hindrance pretty quickly.

I know that I need to learn how to draw the line and when to stop being hard on myself. I need to learn when to take a break from constantly measuring myself to the odds at hand. I need to learn to let things go.

The only question that remains is - how do I do that?

Until next time, y'all.

Hasta la-buh bye!