You guys...
There are so many things going on in my brain... it's not even funny. I'm honestly not able to finish a single thought that comes into my head without it being interrupted by another thought.
>.<
What is going on?!
Sigh. Any moo. Hello all!
I wanted to write about something interesting that I noticed about myself in these last couple of weeks. I remember mentioning a couple of weeks ago that I was about to make some difficult choices and hard decisions in the upcoming weeks to come.
Well, I did make some tough choices. There were some tearful nights. There were irrational outbursts of anger. There were inexplicable bouts of sadness. I'm in the process of taking ownership of my actions, so I will likely act out a bit in the next few days to come as well.
Short back story.
I cut someone out of my life who I did not want to be around any more. I have not done anything like that in a very long time, and I almost forgot how hard it was. There were a few hard truths I needed to face about why I did not want this person to be a part of my life any more. I realized: not only was I keeping them around for the wrong reasons, I was also using wrong reasons to want to walk away from them. Not only was I being unfair to myself, I was being untrue to them.
Any how. There is a point to this, promise.
Now I'm about to disclose something very personal about myself, as always. And in doing so, I'm also taking responsibility for all the things I say.
Superstition. It's a funny concept. Do I believe in it? I don't quite know. But there are things that have happened in my past that have led me to have a healthy amount of respect for superstitions, signs and maybe even myths. Personally, I have a very internal locus of control, meaning I rarely allow things to simply happen. I truly like to be in charge of, and take ownership of everything that happens to and around me. But I neither silly nor naive enough to think that everything is or can be under my control.
No, no, no, no. no, no, no.
There are things outside my control, and some things outside everyone's control. Not everyone knows the reason for these things to happen, nor can they always be explained. I know I'm being vague, but let me try to explain what I'm trying to say.
Let's talk about my particular situation.
I was, and I have been having a rough few weeks, in the spirit of honesty. Things have been stressful, difficult, unpromising, unfavorable, and just... hard. However, after I stopped talking to this person, I think a few very big, good things happened. All of a sudden. I swear I normally never think along these lines, but this thought just wandered into my head. How did things pick up after I cut this person off? Why was something that was not working suddenly work? Why was there suddenly many opportunities where nothing was present before?
And once this thought lodged itself in my head, I couldn't help but ponder it. Was this to be taken as a sign? Don't get me wrong, I didn't think it was easy to cut this person out. I wasn't delighted not to be speaking with them any more. In fact, a part of me almost wanted to speak to them a few days later. But something stopped me. I think this thought stopped me. And I've been holding back reaching out to them ever since. (I know that reaching out to someone you've cut out of your life makes the action moot, but that's a discussion for another time!)
Ergo, the title to my post. How much credibility does this thought have? Where did it come to my brain from? Were all the things meant to happen at that time any way, and my walking away from this person just happened to precede these instances? Is it just a superstition or was the person not a good influence for me? I really don't know! I'm actually very uncomfortable with these thoughts, but I want to put them out there and get them out of my system. I want to logically trump them, because rationally is how I think.... I think.
Oh dear.
But yes, that was my rant for today. Is there anyone else out there like me? Have these thoughts every crossed anyone else's mind? Or am I just crazy?
Another confession though: do you guys have any idea how hard it is to look at my last post and see the day as Friday? *heart breaks* It was one day! :(
With this, I shall wrap up my strange, disconcerting post tonight.
Until next week.
Hasta la-buh bye!
No comments:
Post a Comment