Some real confessions are about to happen.
So I was thinking...
We all have a limit. Whether it is a limit of patience, the limit of fun, limit of sacrifice, or even a limit of love - everyone has one. They're usually sitting at that point where individuals just can't any more. They just can't. Even the quietest, calmest, and the most patient person reaches their limit.
I like to think of myself as an extremely patient person; I also think I've got a higher level of understanding than others, and if I may say so myself, an almost unparalleled capacity to compromise and sacrifice.
Over the last few years, I learned the true value and importance my friends held in my life. As soon as I realized it, I marveled at my own power of selflessness, the effect of giving without expectations, and the gratitude that came with my understanding. More than once, it felt like these traits were being taken for granted and I truly struggled with being the person I wanted to be.
I often asked myself why I possessed (or felt the need to possess) these traits. Was I trying to fit in? Was I aiming for acceptance? Did I need social approval for my personality? I'd be lying if I said that these factors didn't play a role in the development of my personality. To a certain extent, they did. However, at the same time, not being the person who did things for others, who effortlessly put her needs after everyone else's, who was always there when a friend needed her was just not something I was able to do.
A part of me always knew that no one really needed me to be this way. Another part of me knew that my friends appreciated me being this way. And yet, as much as I hate to admit it, a small part of me just longed for some recognition.
I didn't want pats on the back every day. I didn't want ballads and sagas to be written about it. I didn't expect my face to be on a billboard. But a small comment of acknowledgement, an extra smile, a warm hug, or even a comment of gratitude on occasion would feel like magic to me. I understand that I'm mooting the point of selflessness here, but I'm blatantly going to blame it on the chardonnay that seems to be craving attention at the moment.
So.
What was my reason to write this post?
I'm not sure.
I think today, just for a few moments, I reached my limit.
Something felt wrong.
I felt forgotten. I felt insignificant. I felt unimportant. I felt disappointed. I was sad.
I don't quite know what brought on such a strong, negative feeling in my heart. I don't know what triggered such an upsetting reaction that I felt the need to blog about it. All I know is, in that moment, I felt an unfathomable hopelessness engulf me. I felt like I'd been feeding everything good I could offer in my life into this abyss of darkness that never returned anything back. In that moment, I felt like all the things I did so lovingly for others held no meaning whatsoever; it felt like they were all for naught. In that moment, I felt truly uncertain about my own life, my personality, all these traits that I had honed over the years, and qualities about myself that I prided. In that moment, I experienced a true paradigm shift.
I realized later that in honing all of those personality traits, I had developed something else about myself that I largely lacked before: relentlessness. I had perfected an untiring determination to do things my own way, or get what I wanted, or have things go my own way. I realized that the positive energy that surrounded me usually couldn't be touched. It had been beaten and dented many a times, and it had also taken more than one nasty hit (like today).
But ultimately, nobody could tell me what to do, nobody could tell me how to feel. I realize that this sounds more like stubbornness rather than determination, but I also realized that allowing someone else to dictate my actions and feelings was something I found extremely disconcerting! It was not in my being to take orders from people. I have mentioned my internal locus of control before; I'd just feel... strange if I allowed others to make decisions for me.
And then I remembered a quote by one of my favorite personalities in history. Eleanor Roosevelt had said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent". I realized that my intent, which was to spread happiness around me, was sincere, pure and unwavering. I almost had a delirious epiphany when I realized that I didn't have to define my limit.
And for this reason, I am sometimes my own hero.
Truth be told, I do think I hit my limit. I did think that I couldn't take something beyond a certain point. I did wish for a few moments in which my actions would be recognized and reciprocated. However, the second I realized the selfishness behind these desires, they somehow just melted away from my mind. I am now able to view everything around me with a fresh perspective. I am able to admire myself for being able to go even further down the path of goodness.
So basically, the moral of my own pep talk here is that yes, I have limits. I also think that it falls within basic human nature to have these limits. However, if I am capable of thinking and feeling like the most natural human being, I must also have capability that I may be oblivious to: If I can have limits, I can also be limitless.
I call it a night here.
Think about it.
Until next week.
Hasta la-buh bye!
I often asked myself why I possessed (or felt the need to possess) these traits. Was I trying to fit in? Was I aiming for acceptance? Did I need social approval for my personality? I'd be lying if I said that these factors didn't play a role in the development of my personality. To a certain extent, they did. However, at the same time, not being the person who did things for others, who effortlessly put her needs after everyone else's, who was always there when a friend needed her was just not something I was able to do.
A part of me always knew that no one really needed me to be this way. Another part of me knew that my friends appreciated me being this way. And yet, as much as I hate to admit it, a small part of me just longed for some recognition.
I didn't want pats on the back every day. I didn't want ballads and sagas to be written about it. I didn't expect my face to be on a billboard. But a small comment of acknowledgement, an extra smile, a warm hug, or even a comment of gratitude on occasion would feel like magic to me. I understand that I'm mooting the point of selflessness here, but I'm blatantly going to blame it on the chardonnay that seems to be craving attention at the moment.
So.
What was my reason to write this post?
I'm not sure.
I think today, just for a few moments, I reached my limit.
Something felt wrong.
I felt forgotten. I felt insignificant. I felt unimportant. I felt disappointed. I was sad.
I don't quite know what brought on such a strong, negative feeling in my heart. I don't know what triggered such an upsetting reaction that I felt the need to blog about it. All I know is, in that moment, I felt an unfathomable hopelessness engulf me. I felt like I'd been feeding everything good I could offer in my life into this abyss of darkness that never returned anything back. In that moment, I felt like all the things I did so lovingly for others held no meaning whatsoever; it felt like they were all for naught. In that moment, I felt truly uncertain about my own life, my personality, all these traits that I had honed over the years, and qualities about myself that I prided. In that moment, I experienced a true paradigm shift.
I realized later that in honing all of those personality traits, I had developed something else about myself that I largely lacked before: relentlessness. I had perfected an untiring determination to do things my own way, or get what I wanted, or have things go my own way. I realized that the positive energy that surrounded me usually couldn't be touched. It had been beaten and dented many a times, and it had also taken more than one nasty hit (like today).
But ultimately, nobody could tell me what to do, nobody could tell me how to feel. I realize that this sounds more like stubbornness rather than determination, but I also realized that allowing someone else to dictate my actions and feelings was something I found extremely disconcerting! It was not in my being to take orders from people. I have mentioned my internal locus of control before; I'd just feel... strange if I allowed others to make decisions for me.
And then I remembered a quote by one of my favorite personalities in history. Eleanor Roosevelt had said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent". I realized that my intent, which was to spread happiness around me, was sincere, pure and unwavering. I almost had a delirious epiphany when I realized that I didn't have to define my limit.
And for this reason, I am sometimes my own hero.
Truth be told, I do think I hit my limit. I did think that I couldn't take something beyond a certain point. I did wish for a few moments in which my actions would be recognized and reciprocated. However, the second I realized the selfishness behind these desires, they somehow just melted away from my mind. I am now able to view everything around me with a fresh perspective. I am able to admire myself for being able to go even further down the path of goodness.
So basically, the moral of my own pep talk here is that yes, I have limits. I also think that it falls within basic human nature to have these limits. However, if I am capable of thinking and feeling like the most natural human being, I must also have capability that I may be oblivious to: If I can have limits, I can also be limitless.
I call it a night here.
Think about it.
Until next week.
Hasta la-buh bye!
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