Rage.

Hi.

It's venting time.

In the form of a story. A really short story. About myself. About to share something personal here.

Many years ago, when I was about 7 years old, this incident occurred. I was leading a very happy life with my parents who I loved more than anything in the world. Aai-Baba adored me, pampered me and usually let me have my way with anything I wanted. Note that I wasn't spoiled, just pampered.

Growing up, I remember my parents being usually fairly careful not to let me see them arguing. But I think one day when moods were particularly bad, patience was running low and tempers were running high, something happened and they started arguing quite fiercely. I think there was a lot of unresolved and underlying tension that caused the actual spat to be over something ridiculously minor. Nonetheless, I remember the Pops getting extremely upset with the Moms for leaving the light on while not being in the room. In a kind of a blind rage, he started turning on all the lights on in the house around midnight and making his opinions known at a pretty loud volume.

All the yelling and shouting woke up little 7 year old me, at first confused and then very scared. I think I was a big fan of the notion that my parents never argued, so this situation wasn't doing much to appease me. I tried to stop them by trying to be as diplomatic as a 7 year old can be, I tried the crocodile tears, I tried the pleas for attention. Each time, I was shunted to the side, their volumes rose higher, and I kept getting more petrified.

After several fruitless attempts to divert the attention to me and to get them to stop fighting, I finally lost my temper. This was the first time in my life that I had ever gotten angry. I don't mean mad, huffy, upset, grumpy... I mean angry. I started shaking all over and something started building up inside my chest that I felt like I had no control over. Whether it was out of fear, out of stress or goodness knows what, but I got out of bed, grabbed a large stick, and began smashing the light fixtures around my house. I didn't care that they were on. I didn't care whether they'd shock me. I just needed to do something to let that emotion out of me before I exploded.

My parents got really worried about me and thought it better to put off their argument for the time being. They then refocused their attention on shouting at me and grounding me, but for quite some time after that, they were rather careful not to argue. At least not where I could see them have a go at it.

Anyway, fast forwarding to the present, there has been only one other incident in my life where I've truly lost any and all control over myself. As I grew up, I slowly learned to truly differentiate times between when I was upset, mad, grouchy, hormonal and angry. As soon as I realized that I had a borderline temper problem, I immediately buried that scary emotion deep and learned to exercise a lot of control over it. Whenever I feel like I get to close to unleashing that side of me, I walk away from the situation to give myself room to breathe and think. I've been fairly good at it for the most part, but even the best of us sometimes slip, don't we?

In fact, these last few days, I've actually been struggling to fight this feeling that's been bubbling inside my chest. I honestly wish I could pinpoint exactly what is causing me to feel this way, but I think a part of me is afraid to admit it. I have been keeping things bottled up inside for far too long and it's beginning to take a toll on me. Honest piece of advice y'all - don't ever do that; let things out. I'm almost afraid of my own anger now, because I know how it overcomes me and almost possesses me and coerces me to go into this blind rage mode. I may have to deal with that soon.

There isn't really a reason for tonight's post. I have been writing in my journal like a madwoman these last couple of nights and not quite feeling better yet. So I thought I'd keep at it and just vent a bit more to no one in particular. I think a few hard decisions and a few uncomfortable situations are coming up in my near future, so fair warning: prep for depressing/frustrated/amused/angry and perhaps "I don't care" posts. It may be through these posts that I may learn what's causing me to be so upset and making me want to be mad.

But anyhow, with that thought, I think I'm going to bring this post to a close. Aside from this over-whelming anger in my brain, I had a fairly pleasant day. I enjoyed Summerlicious with some wonderful people and then attended a fun little concert for Panamania!

Wish me luck in trying to keep a hold of my sanity, focus on the good and ward away the bad for a bit longer. I don't think I'm ready to face all that I need to face yet. *sigh*

Until next time, m'dears.

Hasta la-buh bye!