The Paradigm Shift

Ever since I was a little girl, I used to be afraid of lightning (read: terrified). To this day, when there are thunderstorms, and I see a flash of lightning illuminate the sky outside my window, I can't help but gasp and squeeze my eyes shut, or involuntarily retreat into my blanket...

When I was younger, the Pops tried to rid me of my irrational fear in a few different ways. He first attempted to use the generic, "Don't worry, God is just taking pictures with a new camera - you have to smile when you see the flash!" When that didn't work, he tried to convince me that he was a magician, and could predict exactly when thunder could sound (which scientifically comes right after lightning). And when even that didn't impress me, he simply said I was crazy.

But nothing ever calmed me down. And after almost 2 decades, nothing still does.

I've spent many nights wondering where this fear even came from. My diagnosis: in the grand scheme of things, the lightning made me feel so small. To me, it seemed like tangible evidence of how helpless, oblivious and dispensable the human race was. The sheer power, size and number of things that we, as humans, had not yet figured out was enormous.

Mysteries of science, of nature, of the supernatural, of the past, of technology, of biology, of the elements of the earth, of space... the list was not exhaustive and surprisingly lengthy! I know it sounds like a bit of a stretch, my mind really did wander that far and wide.

I used to call this The Lightning Theory.

While growing up, I went through some really difficult times. I faced situations that no one should ever have to face, and battled demons not at all knowing how to overcome them. The lack of knowledge, the lack of support and the loneliness did nothing but constantly reinforce my belief in this theory.

There was nobody I could speak to, nobody I could share my story with, nobody who might understand. The world was harsh and full of judgement, and for a young person with struggles beyond their understanding, hope was extremely scarce.

And even today, a small part of me still holds on to this perspective; out of respect, out of trepidation. Without knowing how to overcome these fears, I struggled for so many years to simply accept my insignificance in this world.

Upsetting thoughts forcefully reminded me that nothing truly mattered; they held me below the surface more than a few times. There were some nights, where I didn't think I'd make it to the next day. Not that I ever wanted to bring physical harm to myself, I was afraid I'd just break.

Whatever happened to me when I was young, is something I still carry with me, although definitely not willingly. It's an unpleasant burden that has it's own whimsical weight and occurrence - it is an extremely difficult phenomenon to deal with.

But still, here I am.

Something got me through. Every time, there was a beacon of hope within me, that could not be touched. Many times, I didn't even know it existed, or realized that it was that little ball of power buried deep inside me, that saved me... time and again.

But I think I'm slowly acknowledging it's presence. Actually, I'm going beyond it's mere existence, and truly beginning to see it's power.

Whatever mystery is locked inside that untapped sphere reminds me, that I am the grand scale of things. Regardless of the innumerable unsolved mysteries of the world, the origin of my world is me. The world I've built for myself could not have come about if I didn't exist. For once, I would not be wrong in saying that I am the centre of my world!

It is this reminder, that puts things into a symbolically different perspective for me. I slowly go from marvelling at the magnitude of insignificance to appreciating my own significance if the world. And for it all, I have nothing but this mysterious source of power within me to thank.

Sometimes I wonder what this hypothetical ball holds, and what would happen if I were to "open" it. It has been a long, winding and uneven road to this point - that is, to simply accept that there is an tremendous amount of potential buried deep within me. Where it comes from, what it feeds on, what sustains it, how it remains intact seems to be a mystery, even to me. I think that maybe in a few more years, this could be a whole new side of myself that I may discover.

I know that this has been an odd sort of post, but in my defense, this has been an odd sort of week to have to go through. Although it may not seem like it, I have actually shared an extremely personal story about myself today through this post; I seem to have explored and stumbled upon a new facet to myself. I hope that my blog encourages (me and) anyone else out there reading this, to want to explore their own selves more. You never know what you might find - our personalities are gold mines!

Until next time, hopefully with a less confusing and more fun post...

Hasta la-buh bye!

#ThrowbackThursday: French Edition (Part I)

Bienvenue à mes souvenirs.

Tonight, I take a walk down another memory lane.

To France.

This picture is of the largest train terminals connecting Paris to other major cities around France as well as Europe. It is called Paris Nord or Gare du Nord (which means the North Gate).

I arrived at this station on the most memorable day of my life thus far, my Champagne Birthday. I took the Euro-rail from London to Paris (*cue DDLJ music*), and so many things happened, good and bad. That day was such a roller coaster that I will never, ever, ever forget it. I got late, lost, (almost) robbed, drunk and still managed to see one of the seven wonders in the world.

Of course, the Eiffel Tower.

I cannot put into words the feeling I got when I stood there, and saw the Tower light up before my eyes. My mom looked at me and said, "I don't know what is sparkling more... the Tower or your eyes!"

It stands so tall, so magnificent, so powerful, in the heart of the city. Your gaze is just drawn to it no matter how hard you try. When I stood there, and looked up towards the Eiffel Tower, it literally felt as though happiness swelled up inside me like a hot air balloon that could never pop. It's been exactly a year and a half since that day, and it still brings me an inexplicable amount of joy when I remember that day and that feeling.

It had been my dream since I was about 10 years old after learning what these amazing wonders were, to spend my Champagne Birthday in Paris, the most romantic cities in the world.

And I owe it to my parents, my lucky stars and my relentless will-power and determination, that I made this happen. Do you know what a cool story this makes?!

However, I must confess. The Eiffel Tower, although undoubtedly breath-taking, is not the only sight to see in Paris or in France. The architecture in the city is absolutely unparalleled.

Buildings from all ages and times have still been maintained in their pristine conditions. You just feel as though you must be French when you're walking through those beautiful, cobble-stoned streets. France is known for so many significant landmarks, that it is truly hard to keep track of them all.

I took close to a thousand pictures in the 3 days we spent there, until I realized that I was seeing France through the lens. I had to put my camera away, and just take the magnificence of it all, in. You know how they say, French cuisine is the best in the world? They don't lie. If I close my eyes and think hard enough, I can still taste those crepes...

Of course, the art holds it's place with pride.

I must admit: although the Mona Lisa is extremely small, there is a certain feeling of satisfaction that simply cannot be explained when you stand in front of her, and she gives you that coy smile.

We visited many, many other beautiful places while we toured this lovely country, but I will save more of those memories for Part II of this edition. I simply could not squeeze everything into one post. In the second part, I will share more of my stories and experiences I had within France.

In the spirit of honesty, my words and these pictures truly do not do this trip enough justice. Being there and experiencing those moments, now feels like it was an out-of-this-world like experience. What I would give to go back and relive those few days...

For now though, this is me calling it a night. I'm sick as a dog again, and barely able to move *cries* so please send lots of "gws wishes" my way, please and thank you.

Au revoir, mes amis!

Until next time, and hopefully with better health...

Hasta la-buh bye!

Turmoil.

Hello, world.

This past week... I'm not sure where or how to start, but...

You know those times when it feels like absolutely everything you ever wanted to do in life suddenly presents itself as an opportunity, and you want to do it all, but it's humanly impossible to do so? Along with which, every stressor you thought you conquered suddenly comes back ten times stronger to bite you and makes you question your every life decision? And as the cherry on top, not one thing goes your way: work sucks, personal life is stressful, your body is tired, friends are unavailable and good health decides to take a hike. That somewhat sums up my week.

Anywho, I have one more day to plow through, and then the weekend shall be here! *celebrates*

So while going through these last few days, I was trying to figure out why it is that I was so fatigued, stressed, cranky and on edge. There were a lot of thoughts crammed in my brain and I had no space in my head to think through them at all.

Ergo, turmoil.

In the spirit of honesty, I reached breaking point several times in the last few days, some of which I didn't think I would make it through. But I've chosen my company wisely. I've surrounded myself with people who remind me how important I am and that no matter what I may think, people care for me.

As hopeless as I felt, I held on to these claims, and I'm slowly making my way out of my dark place. I haven't quite conquered all my problems yet, but baby steps, right?

But the point of this post; some things I wanted to put out there. Through this time I was having, I got three great pieces of advice that I think everyone should know about, in case they are stuck between a rock and a hard place like I was. Here they are:

1. Break it down

I was suffocating under the weight of my problems these last few days. However, someone told me to simply disentangle the confusing, intertwined web in my head. Look at every problem like it's own little entity, rather than looking at all my problems as one big monster I cannot behead.

While at first this seemed like an absurd thought, I later realized that it was a brilliant idea. It helped me separate the actual problems from the additional cobwebs of concerns that had accumulated in the corners of my brain. Breaking these problems down just made me feel like I had power over my problems, rather than them holding power over me.

In addition to explaining this philosophy, my well-wisher also did a really funny bit where she said, "If it helps, you could also break other things like walls, doors, people's faces... up to you!"

2. Be diplomatic

Of course, seeing me in this much pain and trouble concerned the Man in the Shadows. He may be my Kryptonite, but it seems I am his weakness too. As always, he had to be the calm voice of reason in my topsy-turvy, twisted, inexplicably problematic world.

He heard me out, let me vent, watched me shed tears; eventually, he used the one thing on me that he knew would have an instant effect: logic.

While he agreed wholeheartedly with the idea of me breaking it down, he went a step further. He ensured that I not only segregate all of my problems into little ones, but I approach each one in a very logical and diplomatic manner.

He reminded me of my strengths: my rationality, my levelheadedness, and my diplomatic approach to problem solving. He pointed out how using these had helped me conquer mountains in the past, and I simply needed to do the same again. I thank him for knowing me so well.

3. Do you!

Finally, this was a seemingly selfish, but extremely necessary piece of advice that I got from my chic, fashion-forward personality twin. Being the same age as me, she understood my troubles, and where my concerns stemmed from.

She related several of her own life stories to mine, and made me feel like less of a weirdo for having problems like these. But the way she ended her spiel was what got me thinking.

She said that, as an individual, I will know if what is going on in my life is right or wrong. An intuitive voice from within you will either concur or protest your situation. If what is happening to or around you does not seem 110% right to you, don't do it!

She stressed to me that at the end of the day, I should focus on what makes me happy. I should be able to live with no regrets and say, I took the time to do me!

I thank these individuals in my life from the very bottom of my heart; had it not been for them, I don't know where I'd be, or how I'd be feeling. They helped to change my perspective on things, and made me appreciate what I've got even more.

I didn't want to make this an advice like post, but I really needed to get this off my chest.

I hope y'all enjoyed another little glimpse into my life.

Next week's post should be a bit more colorful than this one. But until then...

Hasta la-buh bye!

'Truth Among Lies'

You know what? No intro today. No small talk.

I must vent. Let's get right into it.

Lying.

Deep.

What is lying? Why do we do it? How do we justify it? Why do we justify it?

Our good friends Merriam & Webster have a definition for the word "lie"; they say if one makes an untrue statement with the intent to deceive, one lies. Let's come back to this in a minute.

To begin with, why do we lie?

Definitely a question worth thinking about. Why do individuals feel the need to lie in the first place? Mayhaps they have information they do not wish to share with others. Or they wish to ensure their reputation remains untarnished in the eyes of their friends / family / colleagues. Or they are trying to protect someone they care about by hiding something and not hurting their feelings. Or they want to get out of a situation and not be held accountable for it. Or they want to be perceived in a certain light, different from the way they usually are.

The reasons for lying may be abundant. Some may be good, some may be malicious. Some may be out of spite, some out of boredom. Some may be as a joke, while some may be harsh and severe. However, do any of these reasons truly justify lying?

I have met several people in my life who say that a lie is a lie, regardless of the situation. Nothing can justify a lie, all that matters is that the lie has been told.

I know for a fact that I would be a hypocrite if I said I never lie, or have never lied in my life. I have lied. Several times. Ergo, I actually disagree with the aforementioned statement (go figure, eh?).

Why? Because of the intent behind lying. This was the point I wanted to come back to. Does the intent with which one fib make a difference to what they say?

In my personal and extremely humble opinion, I think an individual's intent makes a world of difference. For example, what about a friend who chooses to conceal a rude comment made by someone about another friend? Are they not simply trying to protect their friend's feelings? When it comes to personal safety, giving your personal information out at bars or clubs, giving a fake name or number - it is still a lie, however, is it so wrong to want to protect yourself from the crazies out there? Wanting to surprise a family member or coworker or friend while organizing a party for them, isn't that also a lie?

I would consider all of these lies with good intentions; ones that do not harm an individual. These are things that may be revealed later in the future, or may just be swept under the rug in hopes that they would never come up again.

So then maybe there is something else to think about. Is a lie considered a bad thing only if it affects a lot of people? Is a lie socially acceptable if it does not affect anyone except the teller?

Then there is also the subject of lying by omission, where individuals may simply choose not to get involved in a situation, but in doing so, keep information to themselves. Is this stance equally as bad as lying? Sigh, at this point, I feel the need to revisit this again...

And finally, while I try to speculate the reason people justify lies, I am going to make a pretty big assumption. I think that intrinsically, most of us are uncomfortable with the notion of lying. Except for the individuals who think that lying is a socially acceptable norm, those who think lying is not always acceptable will work harder to justify their "lies".

I'll also go further and say this: in the spirit of honesty, I think individuals will use any and every excuse to justify a lie, regardless of it's credibility. And many a times, it will just be the intent behind their lie that they attempt to justify, not the actual lie itself. They have an inexplicable urge to simply clear their conscience, and I think it is this discomfiting feeling and the fear of being held accountable that leads to justification.

Where does my venting come into play? With malicious intent. When people go to great lengths to lie, with the intention of harming others, while pretending to truly care about you, I get very upset. I spent today surrounded by people with deleterious intent.

I would have been less upset with them if they had only ever been spiteful and dishonest with me. However, the pretense of having my best interest at heart while their actions demonstrate everything but, really irks me. In my books, I consider this the worst form of a lie. The thought of underlying agendas and ulterior motives influencing actions of people worries me about the future of this world we live in... </3

So there you have it! I feel like this post needs to be read really fast and in a really aggressive tone to truly understand my frustration about my sitchi-yation. For now, that's all I've got. I must also give apt credit for my title, for it is inspired by one of Jeffrey Archer's novels (Honor Among Thieves).

That's all for now. Until next time someone comes along and ruins my day... *grumpy face*

Hasta la-buh bye!

#ThrowbackThursday: Scottish Edition

Hi all!

Today, I missed Scotland. I missed it so terribly, that it reeled me back to those 4 months - where I had the time of my life.

When I lived abroad by myself, I experienced the true meaning of freedom, empowerment, responsibility, independence, and above all, a sense of adventure. Every day was a new possibility, a new start, a chance to learn new things, visit new places, and even be a new person.

The reason for my sudden nostalgia was a chance encounter I had with a stranger on the way home. A lovely girl who seemed to be around my age was chatting on her phone, and I picked up her Glaswegian accent right away. We struck up a conversation as I inquired whereabouts in Scotland she was from (she was extremely pleased that I'd called her Scottish and not British or Irish). Turns out she was in town for her sister's wedding, but as she was leaving the train, she left with a cheery wave and said something that's been ringing in my ears ever since. All she said to me was, "Hope to see you back in Glasgow one day!"

One day.... and it can't come soon enough!

So anyway, I thought today would be my blogger version of #tbt or #ThrowbackThursday. An interesting tidbit of information about me -- I'm a bit of a photography enthusiast. I'm definitely not a professional, but I hope to be one day. I thought I'd just share a few of my favorite pictures that I took while I was studying abroad in Scotland.

Nestled in those lush trees at the foot of those hills is one of the buildings in which I lived. The campus, as you can tell from this picture was absolutely stunning and abundant with natural beauty. With 400 acres of land, over 100 hiking trails, a 9-hole golf course, a castle on campus and being known as the nation's best athletic university, the University of Stirling was the only choice for me. I met the nicest fellow students, instructors and people in general.

Of course we visited the Scottish capital city and saw the Edinburgh Castle. It may look distant and not small in this picture, but up close, it's magnificence took my breath away. We visited many other places around Edinburgh, like the Holyrood Palace, the Princes Street Gardens, the Scottish Parliament - they were all amazing architectural structures. But being the avid Potterhead that I am, the place that made me happiest was probably...

For once, the crooked-ness of the picture does not bother me; my hands were shaking from excitement. This little coffee shop called The Elephant House staked their claim to fame by stating that J.K. Rowling sat in this very place as she "mulled over a coffee, writing her first Harry Potter novels". Supposedly there was another shop not too far from this one that claimed they were the real birthplace of HP, but I chose to trust the large, attractive sign.

The number of amazing places we saw around Scotland was hard to keep track of. This was Loch Garry, one of the many beautiful bodies of water we saw during our tour. What was it's significance, you ask? The lake was shaped like the country of Scotland! You see? A map of Scotland can be seen in the magazine and the lake is right behind it - the similarities are uncanny!

Another amazing place called Kilt Rock; an absolutely mandatory sight to see in Scotland. A completely naturally formed phenomenon, the long vertical columns of basalt on the far cliff in the picture resemble the pleats of a kilt - a piece of clothing often associated with Scotland. It was a breathtaking view from our lookout point. And even with the strong winds, the freezing temperatures and numb toes and fingers, I stood there for a long time, trying to do justice to the amazing spectacle that stood before me.

I also saw several other places like Loch Ness, The Fairy Glen, Glencoe just within Scotland. Not to mention I also visited 3 other countries - England, Ireland and France! But let's save that for another day. I learned things about Europe, especially Scotland, that I could never have known had I not taken that trip abroad. I learned how to survive and thrive on my own. I came back, a new me.

That's it for now, folks! This was a wonderful walk down memory lane, thanks to Fiona from the subway! It also gave me an idea to incorporate more #ThrowbackThursday editions as we go along.

I have been so unwell this week, that this long weekend has come as a blessing in disguise. I am going to go into hibernation and rest until I am fit as a fiddle.

Until next time, though. 

Hasta la-buh bye!